Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Fourteen

We finally get to the first really interesting bit about Edward.

“I was born in Chicago in 1901.” He paused and glanced at me from the corner of his eyes. My face was carefully unsurprised, patient for the rest. He smiled a tiny smile and continued. “Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen and dying of the Spanish influenza.”

            Finally. Finally we see something remotely worth listening to about Edward. Edward’s transformation, the period and place in which it happened were all very interesting.

I feel like Meyer would have had a lot more success with this series if she hadn’t used this cast of characters specifically. One of the strengths Meyer has as a writer, most of the time, is backstory. The backstory to most of her characters are interesting.

Carlisle’s history is fascinating. Why didn’t we get a book about him? Or the Volturi? The Romanians? The wars between the newborn armies? The immortal children? Meyer has a knack for creating really, really interesting issues to help her world building…and then promptly drops them. Why? Cause romance. It’s always because of the needs of the romance plot. I feel like Twilight would have fared much better written in any other genre.

Sacrifice the love plot and up the tension and you’d have a decent suspense novel. Include more friendships and people for Bella to play off of, particularly Jacob, it could have been a fairly humorous romp leading up to a big reveal. If she’d focused a lot more on atmosphere and character development this book has a lot of potential to be a horror story. Unfortunately the horrifying implications of this book remain just that, and will never be explored.

Edward refuses point blank to tell Bella how it’s done. He tries to describe the vampire conversion process to her and this one line catches my attention.

“It is easier he says, though,” he continued, “If the blood is weak.”

            Um…no. Death doesn’t make the blood weaker. Only anemia or blood thinners would make your blood “weaker.”

In fact the blood is sort of the battlefield of sickness. A lot of nasty things use your blood to get around. White blood cells fight nasties and create antibodies. Your heart works harder to keep you alive when you’ve been sick for awhile.

If you’re looking for the right term it might be immune system. The immune system is taxed with prolonged illness. The immune system can be weakened, but not the blood. It makes sense that you’d change more quickly if you were ill. Your body can’t fight off the transition even on a good day, and it would probably spread more quickly when the immune system is already worn thin.

But this is just semantics and my incessant need to be a word snob.

If you’re talking about needing a slower pulse to adequately resist the urge to drain a person, then you’re only going to have a few cases where that will happen.

In any case, he explains a bit of each person’s backstory. Carlisle changed Esme next after she took a tumble down a cliff. She was apparently so badly off everyone had written her off as dead. Rosalie was turned by Carlisle after that, hoping she’d be a mate for Edward.

Normally I’d expect Bella’s insecurities to send her into a tailspin of depression at this news, so kudos for not halting the narrative for that. I’m sure it will happen later, but props for not doing it immediately.

Bella’s stomach sounds its displeasure at not being fed in several chapters. Edward lets himself into the house with the key he saw Bella use when he spied on her.

Bella isn’t even slightly indignant about this.

“You spied on me?” But somehow I couldn’t infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.

Fine. If someone has to be outraged in this chapter it will have to be me. Bella, what the hell is wrong with you? Why does the fact that someone has followed you home, spied on you, has in the past admitted to being tempted to kill you and who has violated the privacy of your home, thrill your soul?

Hell, I’d hit Edward in the face for this. I’m not a violent person and I don’t advocate violence normally, but he has shown he has absolutely no respect for your privacy. For all you know he’s watched you dress and undress. He’s been in the house. He could have watched you shower. If this book weren’t so pathetically PG rated I’d say he’d probably had done both of those things. And you know what that is? Stalking and sexual harassment. Both punishable by law. You are the daughter of a cop.

You should be outraged. You know, that emotion that has your truck running over a shiny Volvo?

You shouldn’t be pleased by this Bella. You’re just going to react like “ooooh no, how embarrassing!” aren’t you? Aren’t you, you clichéd, teenage-angst ridden piece of shit literature?

“How often did you come here?”

“I come here almost every night.”

            I whirled around, stunned. “Why?”

            “You’re interesting when you sleep.” He spoke matter-of-factly. “You talk.”

            “No!” I gasped, heat flooding my face all the way to my hairline. I gripped the kitchen counter for support. I knew I talked in my sleep, of course; my mother teased me about it. I hadn’t thought it was something I needed to worry about here, though.

You did it! You actually did it! You tried to pass this creepy ass moment off as something that’s just embarrassing?! It’s a violation of her privacy! The fact that Edward is unrepentant for this is sickening. He will never ever feel bad about stalking her even to the end of the series.

“Anything else?” I demanded.

            He knew what I was getting at. “You did say my name.” He admitted.

            I sighed in defeat. “A lot?”

            “How much do you mean by ‘a lot’ exactly?”

            “Oh no!” I hung my head.

            He pulled me against his chest, softly, naturally.

            “Don’t be self-conscious.” He whispered in my ear. “If I could dream at all, it would be about you. And I’m not ashamed of it.”

            That does not excuse anything you asshole. You still spied on her without her knowledge. Neither of you are stopping to think that this is not mentally sound behavior on either of your parts.

Thankfully Charlie arrives home to stop this horrendous example of human idiocy.

She all but runs to her room after dinner. Edward is waiting for her there. She asks for a moment to “be human.” Being human translates into showering, brushing her teeth, and changing into Victoria’s secret pajamas. You know, anything that would stop her from smelling bad. Not that she cared before, when she was hanging around him all day. I mean I’m sure she at the very least produced sweat during her hike. That’s the issue with having a supernatural boyfriend. He can smell all of your odors and gasses before anybody else can. Though this will not really be addressed at all besides this scene.

Edward finally makes a decision not to eat Bella. What a relief. Is the book over then?

No? We have to tack on a last-minute, one note villain?

Ugh. Alright then. Continue.

There are pages of “romantic” dialogue to slog through and it really is tedious so I’ll sum it up for you.

Edward: Isn’t this love thing great? I’ve thought about killing Mike Newton you know, since he annoys us both and I don’t want you being with anyone else.

Bella: Oh Edward, you’re so funny, I could never love Mike.

Edward: You could love somebody. And that makes me jealous.

Bella: Well Rosalie was made for you. And that makes me insecure.

Edward: You’re so pretty Bella. You’re fantastic Bella. Have I mentioned how tempting you smell this chapter Bella?

Bella: Oh Edward I love you. Let’s suck face.

As an aside, Bella’s scent is compared to lavender and freesia. And it’s supposedly very appetizing. And all I can think about is the times I’ve been unfortunate to have accidentally sprayed floral perfume too near my mouth and tasted it. Ick. To each their own Edward, to each their own.

Edward actually discusses evolution and creationism with Bella, wondering aloud whether or not God could have created vampire and human kind together. Sort of like my argument from a few pages back, but more cringey.

It becomes glaringly obvious in the narrative that Meyer is religious. I am a Christian myself, but I find outright Christian peachiness in a fiction novel rater grating. I think allegories need to be subtle, which this is most certainly not, and that shoving your religion down someone else’s throat is not a good policy.

Bella wonders aloud if someday she and Edward might be able to be married. He says that he would probably end up breaking her bones if he’s not careful with her, and this ominous pronouncement doesn’t trouble Bella at all. She falls asleep without a hitch after their conversation.

Ugh, ugh, ugh. This chapter fails so hard. Someone find me brain bleach.

Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Thirteen

His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

            That’s right. Edward sparkles.

I’m sure anyone who has stumbled upon my blog by now has some knowledge about Meyerpires by now. If I’d jumped on this bandwagon shortly after the series had ended then I might have been with everyone else and ranting about this being the worst thing in the book. In hindsight, it’s actually not. It’s a silly failed attempt to create an Our Vampires Are Different situation. So instead, I’m going to talk about why you shouldn’t use science to justify your magic.

Stephanie Meyer isn’t the only person to try and do this. In order to stave off criticism a lot of authors will try to justify their magical creatures/abilities with science. It generally doesn’t work. First of all, you’re trying to justify the mystical and the often unexplainable with reasoned facts. The more reason you add in, the more you demand your reader stretch their suspension of disbelief.

What I see most often is an attempt to justify a creature’s existence through Biology. If you’re going to try this route you need to at least understand the fundamentals about what you’re talking about. This is a generalization so take it with a grain of salt, but most people inclined to take an English/writing background do not excel at or like Math/Science.

You can find fanon trying to explain away vampire biology everywhere.

I don’t buy it. This is only enough of an explanation to make us even more confused. If you go by evolution, this makes no sense. There had to have been a first vampire, or vampire like creature to infect and make others. The only saving grace for other vampire stories is that it’s magic, a curse, a reprehensible act, etc that transforms a human into a vampire. If you try to explain it with biology, you bring the process of natural selection into things. It means that vampires had to have adapted to become the way they are. How can they have done that?

Secondly vampires have no natural predators. They have a great dislike of Werewolves and shape shifters like the Quileute wolves. But these creatures don’t hunt vampires for food. Why would they have any need to adapt?

If they’re stone-like, they shouldn’t be flexible or able to move. Let alone the biological wrong done in Breaking Dawn.

If you go at this from a creationist point of view, that God, gods and goddesses, or some supernatural force created the universe, why would that being create vampires? You could make the argument that they’re not sent by a god, but demon-like creatures that were created by something evil. But then again, you’re running into the problem that vampires aren’t inherently evil.  They have choice and free will the same as a human, and after a short time, have control over the thirst so they don’t run around infecting everyone.

In short, just leave your magic as magic and don’t explain it with science later on down the road.

Bella finally gets to touch Edward.

            “I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn’t afraid.”

            “I don’t want you to be afraid.” His voice was just a soft murmur. I heard what he couldn’t truthfully say, that I didn’t need to be afraid, that there was nothing to fear.

            Okay, I know I’ve gone on for chapters now about how stupid it is for Bella to have agreed to this and that she should fear for her life, but right now there’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of, besides the fact that you’re alone with him. He’s done nothing threatening yet.

“Well that’s not exactly the fear I meant, though that’s certainly something to think about.”

            Okay…so you’re not afraid for your life. What is it that you’re afraid of then? Before we can figure that out Edward and Bella lean too close to each other and then suddenly Edward disappears. When Bella locates him again he’s across the meadow away from her. It really should scare Bella that he doesn’t trust himself to be close to her. Instead she feels guilty and apologizes for smelling good.

The smell of Bella apparently flips his switch into creepy mode and we get this.

“As if you could outrun me,” He laughed bitterly.

            He reached up with one hand and, with a deafening crack, effortlessly ripped a two-foot-thick branch from the trunk of the spruce. He balanced it in that hand for a moment, and then threw it with blinding speed, shattering it against another huge tree, which shook and trembled at the blow.

            And he was in front of me again, standing two feet away, still as stone.

            “As if you could fight me off.” He said gently.


Doesn’t that sound a bit…ah…rapey? No really, take away the fact he’s a vampire. He’s taken this girl off to a remote location, told her she’s slower, weaker, and unable to fight him off if he wanted to do something to her. It’s really, really rapey.

“Don’t be afraid.” He murmured, his velvet voice unintentionally seductive. “I promise..” He hesitated. “I swear not to hurt you.”


            Bella explains that she wants to stay with him, but can’t. Edward says that this whole thing is wrong. I agree, but I’m sure that this attack of conscious is short lived, so continue.

Edward reminds her that he’s more dangerous to her than anyone else because her blood appeals to him very strongly. It is beyond mere bloodlust.

Meyer tries to compare alcohol and drug addiction to vampire bloodlust in a bit that is very uncomfortable. Yes, substance abuse is the perfect analogy here. Nothing problematic with the connotations at all.

Edward tries to explain the difference in scent and flavor and says that most everyone is the same to Jasper. This doesn’t really make much sense to me. Arguably Jasper should have the most restraint of anyone as he has lived much longer than anyone in the family but Carlisle. Despite the change in diet, he really should have iron clad control over his urges by now. Emmett, much younger than Jasper, is implied to have better control. He ran across two people who appealed to him the way Bella appeals to Edward.

This completely contradicts what we learn about in New Moon. La tua cantante is a phenomenon in which a vampire finds a very rare person whose blood is apparently tastier than others. Emmett has been with the Cullens for 70 years and he’s found two. It shouldn’t be that common. Emmett killed both people he met.

And yet, Bella still isn’t afraid. Edward explains that it was why he hated her so much at first. Not because you know, she was belligerent, nosy, or irritating. Nope, just because she smelled good.

He tells Bella about the many times he planned to kill her and Bella still sits there, spellbound. She should be running for the hills. There is no reason she should be taking things this well.

“And for all that.” He continued. “I’d have fared better if I had exposed us all that first moment, than if now, here—with no witnesses and nothing to stop me—I were to hurt you.”


Edward listens to Bella’s heart for awhile and it apparently helps him resist the urge to kill her. Somehow.

“I’m not used to feeling so human. Is it always like this?”

            “For me?” I paused. “No, never. Never before this.”

            I call bullshit. Is Bella such a social outcast that she never interacted with boys, never had a crush, never had any physical attraction to anyone ever? Because that’s what it is. Right now they’re not talking about love. Meyer is trying to get us to read between the lines of her utterly G rated novel and talk about lust. An upswing in libido based solely on the fact you find a person physically attractive. I refuse to believe Bella has never had a crush ever in her irritating existence.

Edward decides to sling Bella onto his back and run her back to her truck before dark falls. Pacing, pacing, pacing. We started this chapter in early morning. They spent a few hours hiking, and maybe just maybe a few hours in the woods. It should be early to mid afternoon, not evening by now.

So as you’d expect, traveling fast through the woods with her eyes wide open gives Bella motion sickness. Just for the sake of my mind I’m gonna add the trauma of the day to her reaction. A lot of what went down should have terrified her, and yet she reacts about as much as one would to getting hit by a wet noodle.

Edward decides to initiate the kiss of death, since Bella was all pouty about not being kissed a few chapters ago. Bella goes berserk and all but jumps him. He pulls away before he gives in to the temptation to bite her.

They argue for a bit over who gets to drive her truck home. Who cares, this chapter is finally over.  

Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Twelve

One saving grace is that this chapter marks the midway point. This book is twenty-four chapters long, plus an epilogue. From here on out, it’s a slow maddening march to the end.

Charlie arrives home and Billy makes a plan to stay for a sports game. Bella makes dinner and decides to watch the game, not because it is polite to stay with company but because she’s afraid that Billy will tell Charlie about Edward.

Um Bella, if you’re afraid of your father being aware of who you’re with, it’s probably not a good idea to be with that person. I don’t see why Bella is keeping it a secret anyhow. It doesn’t really make sense on any level.

Firstly, why is she afraid of telling Charlie about Edward? Up to this point Charlie has expressed only good feelings about the Cullen family. He even had a falling out about it with Billy because he likes and respects the Cullens. Edward has never been in any trouble with the law, so he wouldn’t bother Charlie’s cop sensibilities either. Charlie has not forbidden Bella to date. In fact he’s slightly disappointed that she doesn’t want to go to the spring dance with anyone.

Either Bella is getting off on the illicit thrill of having a secret boyfriend, or she’s babying Charlie again. Neither of which does flattering things for Bella’s character. If we assume the former, then Bella has a childish rebellious streak. She only wants to keep things from Charlie because she sees it as a game and it is exciting to sneak things past him. If it’s the later, then she’s treating him like he’s stupid and it’s quite insulting to insinuate that your father, the Police Chief, is somehow too fragile to handle the fact that his daughter has a boyfriend.

Charlie pulls Bella aside to tell her he’s planning another fishing trip. How convenient. Does it assuage the author’s guilty conscience to know that Charlie won’t be waiting on the couch, listening and looking out for the daughter who has a fairly decent chance of never coming home?

Bella goes to school the next day and my lord is this dragging out. It feels like we’ve been at school for a year. Edward is still interrogating Bella about her life at lunch. Bella is upset that he will be leaving school after lunch.

“So where are you going?” I asked as casually as I could manage.

            “Hunting.” He answered grimly. “If I’m going to be alone with you tomorrow, I’m going to take whatever precautions I can.” His face grew morose…and pleading. “You can always cancel, you know.”

            I looked down, afraid of the persuasive power of his eyes. I refused to be convinced to fear him, no matter how real the danger might be.

            Bella, this should scare you to death. Edward is going out to hunt and kill a lot of animals after lunch so he won’t hunt and kill you the next day. And the fact that you’re stubbornly holding on to the idea that you have to be unafraid is stupid. You should be afraid. You’re a human being with survival instinct. I would admire you for looking past fear in other circumstances, but you don’t seem to comprehend the danger at all. Bravery isn’t a lack of fear, its pushing past it to do what you must. Ignorance is stumbling forward blindly into a situation that can get you hurt with no thought for the consequences. You are acting ignorantly Bella.

What’s more is the fact that you have people who love and care about you who would be devastated if you died. I know you don’t think much of them, seeing as you baby them constantly, but this is ridiculous. Alright, if you were the reasoning adult like person people claim you are, you’d be able to reason this out.

If you die, your father will likely fall into a horrible depression. He’ll feel like he ought to have protected you better. He’ll either channel it into constant obsession with finding your killer, or he might decide to end his life. He and your mother will cease to be civil. There will be undeserved blame placed on both parties. Your mother will feel guilty for driving you away to a place where you ultimately died. Your father will feel guilty for not being around to see the warning signs. Both Charlie and Renee will blame him for the actions that got you killed.

So let’s say you were intelligent enough to puzzle this out for yourself, why would you agree to be alone with him? Why not bring Alice, Carlisle, or you know any member of his family along? They’re strong enough to stop him if he loses control. It’s also their family on the line for this, so why not take another precaution?

Oh right. Cause Romance. Gah.

Bella feels bad, mostly for herself, because the Cullens don’t like her.

“They don’t like me.” I guessed.

            “That’s not it,” He disagreed, but his eyes were too innocent. “They don’t understand why I can’t leave you alone.”

            DUH. You have the potential to ruin everything they’ve worked to build in Forks for an idiotic, creepy, unhealthy relationship that shouldn’t exist.

Rosalie glares at Bella. Bella is confused about her hostility and Edward explains the glaringly obvious.  If he kills her, they’ll have to lie low for a long time. He’ll have ruined the human-like façade and they’ll have to live off the radar for awhile until it blows over.

Edward leaves lunch with Alice and Bella goes to her last few classes. After gym, Mike makes a nice gesture and tells Bella that she could tag along with their group to the dance. He’s offering to take her to a party, and to include her in the fun. Of course Bella decides that Mike needs a new asshole, so she rips him a new one.

Bella goes home and once again lies to Charlie about her weekend plans.

I felt so guilty for deceiving him that I almost took Edward’s advice and told him where I would be. Almost.

            Then don’t go.

He wants me to be safe. I told myself again and again. I would just hold onto the faith that, in the end, that desire would win out over the others.

            But you don’t know that for sure. Don’t go.

But a tiny voice in the back of my mind worried, wondering if it would hurt very much…if it ended badly.

            THEN DON’T GO, YOU MORON.

Bella knocks back some cold medicine to get to sleep. As a person who suffers regular insomnia, I really don’t understand why she feels so guilty about doing this. I have no problem taking medicines to sleep if I haven’t slept well in a few days.

Edward arrives in the morning to pick her up, and we glimpse yet more of Bella’s insecurities.

“What’s wrong?” I glanced down to make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything important, like shoes, or pants.

            “We match.” He laughed again. I realized he had a long, light tan sweater on, with a white collar showing underneath, and blue jeans. I laughed with him, hiding a secret twinge of regret—why did he have to look like a runway model when I couldn’t?

Bella, Edward has already told you you’re pretty/special/extraordinary this chapter. We don’t need to go through this again.

Edward takes Bella out hiking. Before they get started Edward makes my point quite well.

“No one knows you’re with me?” Angrily now.

            “That depends…I assume you told Alice?

            “That’s very helpful Bella.” He snapped.

            I pretended I didn’t hear that.

            “Are you so depressed by Forks that it’s made you suicidal?” He demanded when I ignored him.

            “You said it might cause trouble for you…us being together publically.” I reminded him.

            “So you’re worried about the trouble it might cause me—if you don’t come home?” His voice was still angry, and bitingly sarcastic.

            Really Bella, why do you care so little for your own life? Why would you go out of your way to protect Edward this way? You can at least give your parents a clue who to search for if they found your corpse.

But of course Bella has different priorities as they walk.

I tried to keep my eyes away from his perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, his beauty pierced me through with sadness.

            Why? Why does this bother you? Are you throwing yourself a pity party because he’s pretty and you’re insecure?

They finally reach the end of the trail and Edward demonstrates why he can’t go into the sun in front of people. Tune in next time for what is possibly one of the least threatening vampire abilities to ever be written.


Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Eleven

They go to Biology where they are watching a film in class. Bella can’t concentrate because Edward is sitting next to her. Bella feels the sudden out of nowhere urge to run her hands all over Edward.

The entire class period can be summed up like this.

Edward drives her home and explains that while hunting, vampires tend to let their senses control them. Like most predators they use their sense of smell to track down prey. He tells her that it would be dangerous to have her near him when he was hunting. Of course this doesn’t trouble Bella in the slightest. It’s only her life after all; she doesn’t think that’s worth much.

Bella lies to Charlie and tells him she plans to spend Saturday in Seattle. Bella doesn’t feel any guilt for this deception, even knowing that Edward is very capable of murdering her on their outing.

Then we enter into what I consider to be one of the most ham handed bits in the book.

“What’s your favorite color?” he asked, his face grave.

            Grave? Really? Is he going to call it off if she answers wrong? That’s it; call off the star-crossed romance, Edward doesn’t like Bella’s favorite color.

Aside from the baffling word choice, this whole thing that Edward does throughout the day and again the next day. It’s as if Meyer suddenly realized; “Oh right, my characters barely know each other but are already declaring love. I guess you really do need to know basic things about your soul mate. Like say, the things you can or cannot agree on like religious views or politics. Not to mention the little tiny things like favorite color and favorite pizza topping.

The absolute absorption on his face, and his never-ending stream of questions, compelled me to continue.

            No one does this. No one sits people down and interrogates them on every insignificant detail about their life. These things come slowly over time and with conversation. It cannot be learned in a day, and be called done. Couples go over these things as they come up. This feels incredibly clumsy, trying to shove it all out of the way to avoid criticism. Which of course, it just invites more.

Meyer is impatient to get to relationship drama that should have absolutely no stakes. Bella and Edward have very little chemistry, no friendship, and no common ground besides being controlling and pretentious. If I wanted to be generous I could say that Bella has something of a trauma bond with Edward considering the things he has rescued her from. Whatever they have, they certainly do not have anything genuine or healthy.

They have another Biology class and it’s exactly what you expect.


Edward drives Bella home, and Bella suddenly remembers, “Oh yeah, I have a father. Maybe I don’t want him to meet my serial killer boyfriend.”

It turns out not to be Charlie heading to the house at first, but Billy and Jacob Black. Edward takes off, but not before Billy gets a glimpse of Edward.

Had Billy recognized Edward so easily? Could he really believe the impossible legends his son scoffed at?

            The answer was clear in Billy’s eyes. Yes. Yes he could.

            Okay Bella, stop scoffing at Billy. You believed the legend. Or at least you put enough stock in it to consider it a possibility. Billy grew up with a father who was presumably a werewolf. He may have even seen him shift. You’d take legends a lot more seriously if you lived up close with a real-life example of the supernatural.

That’s enough for this chapter. Return next week for part two of Bella’s “Wah, adults care about my well-being, what a burden!” series.

Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Ten

Edward shows up at Bella’s house unannounced. Now I know I’m not a teenage girl any longer, but I’d like to think that even then I wouldn’t have found this romantic.

Someone showing up at my house or outside it when I’m not expecting it scares the hell out of me. I don’t react to fear well. I’ll be indignant or angry the rest of the time. He didn’t okay this with her beforehand. He didn’t call. I think this is a bit creepy. Of course Bella is charmed by this.

Bella arrives at school, and we see her being interrogated about her “date” with Edward. Bella gets upset that Edward has yet to kiss her.

Why? I mean you’ve only had your first civil conversation that week. I don’t know if I’m in the minority on this, but I like to have a foundation from which to build in relationships. I think that a foundation of friendship, or at the very least civility, ensures a better relationship. Bella is not friends with Edward. They know absolutely nothing about each other. You’re starting to build a relationship from the ground up, which I’ve always found to be insanely difficult. Especially considering the interest that drove Edward to you in the first place was homicidal.

So they go on for a couple of pages about the relationship such as it is, as well as the date. Then we get this lovely gem.

“Oh well. He is unbelievably gorgeous.” Jessica  shrugged, as if this excused any flaws. Which in her book probably did.


            Is the air thinner up there, on your high horse Bella? Don’t give me this crap. You can’t go a chapter without mooning over how beautiful Edward is. Almost all instances of purple prose in this book are devoted to describing how beautiful Edward is. Don’t act like Jessica is shallow for noticing his looks first when the only things you describe in detail are Edward’s pretty face and muscled chest. Oh and continually reminding us that he’s loaded. You’re not shallow at all Bella, are you?

Finally, finally, finally Bella admits to the reader that she’s obsessed with Edward:

“How much do you like him?”

            “Too much,” I whispered back. “More than he likes me. But I don’t see how I can help that.”

            Bella is such a fount of love. No one can possibly love Edward more than Bella does. Her love is just so deep and true and abiding. No one can come between Bella and Edward’s creepy love. And if they do….

Well it’s a moot point anyways, since Edward unrealistically has never been interested in anyone ever. Cause they’re star-crossed lovers damn it.

Bella and Edward talk at lunch, and Bella decides she can now be generous and rescind her opinion that the waitress is a slut for flirting with a hot guy. Bella is definitely not the worst offender I’ve seen in bad books for picking on other women. This one is fairly downplayed, and I only mention it because it’s been mentioned four or five times in the last chapter and three times in this one.

And of course, we can’t go a chapter without Bella mentioning how homely she is.

“I don’t believe it.” I mumbled to myself.

            “Trust me just this once—you are the opposite of ordinary.”

            Mike, Tyler, Eric, Jacob, and Edward all think you’re pretty. Get over yourself and admit there has to be something that they find appealing about you. Stop kicking the dead horse.

Bella and Edward make alternate plans for the weekend instead of driving to Seattle. Bella decides not to tell Charlie about the fact she’s going out with Edward.

“As it happens, I don’t mind being alone with you.”

            “I know,” He sighed, brooding. “You should tell Charlie though.”

            “Why would I do that?”

            His eyes were suddenly fierce. “To give me some incentive to bring you back.”

            Bella, you are being an absolute moron. One, you’re treating Charlie like he’s too stupid to understand anything yet again. He’s a cop and a father and he’s going to be concerned for your welfare and you know it. You don’t want to tell him because you know what you’re doing is idiotic and he’d try to talk reason to you.

Secondly, it’s safer to tell your parents where you’re going. So if you don’t come home or something else were to happen they have some idea where to look for you. This is even more essential in this case, since you’re going in with the very real possibility of the date ending in homicide.

Edward snaps at Bella when she asks to watch him hunt. She asks why the hell he’s suddenly grumpy. He brushes her off and tells her that he’ll explain it later. They leave the cafeteria for class.

We learn almost nothing of value in this chapter. It’s mostly Bella being snotty and having her ego stroked. I recommend skipping this chapter in all honesty.

Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Nine

Edward answers a few more of Bella’s questions. Edward explains how his mind reading abilities work. Despite this being a rather fascinating ability that could definitely have been explored more, we cut Edward off after the briefest of explanations. Because of course, we must explore the important issues. Like Bella’s massive insecurities.

Edward explains his theory about being unable to hear Bella’s mind, and I have multiple problems with it.

“The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn’t work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I’m only getting FM.” He grinned at me, suddenly amused.

“My mind doesn’t work right? I’m a freak?” The words bothered me more than they should—probably because his speculation hit home. I’d always suspected as much and it embarrassed me to have it confirmed.

Bella, every teenager in the history of time has felt this way. It’s part of the delightful puberty package. It comes with crippling insecurity, a certain amount of body issues, and the certain belief that no one else can possibly understand you.

Other than the teen angst factor, why do you think this Bella? You’ve said it yourself in the text. There’s absolutely nothing interesting about you. We know so little about your character we can’t even say if this belief is justified. Your only interests and hobbies include;

  1. Ogle Edward
  2. Hope desperately to sit next to Edward
  3. Become depressed if Edward is not around
  4. Get into arguments with Edward
  5. Put Edward on a pedestal and complain about how you can never compare
  6. Complain about the weather.
  7. Read


Your identity is so wrapped up in Edward that I can’t tell where he ends and you begin. You exist mostly as an extension to him solely so that the reader can experience him through you. You’re the equivalent of a Morgan Freeman voiceover for the adventures of Edward Cullen.

This contrivance only exists to keep Edward from hearing how obnoxious and self-centered your thoughts are. And to keep him from hearing how creepily obsessed you have become with him. You really think he’d find that endearing?

You are dull as dirt Bella, be glad that Edward can’t read your mind. He’d somehow overcome vampire anatomy and fall asleep.

This is also a problem because it really is a stupid theory. If this were the case you’d expect to find more people running on the “AM frequency.” Even if the sample size is small, you’d find more people like Bella. In Midnight Sun we’re told that Charlie is somewhat harder for Edward to read. I think this was supposed to go to support the “AM” theory. It gets tossed out the window, because Midnight Sun was never published, and Edward has no problems reading Charlie’s mind in later books (that we’re aware of).

It’s glaringly obvious from the outset that Bella has a “gift” the same way that Edward, Alice, and Jasper do. Edward should be aware of the possibility at the very least. At least this explanation gives Bella a reason to be a special snowflake. But nope, we’re going to pass this off as some big shock at the end of New Moon. And then we won’t bring it up again until it becomes a plot contrivance in Breaking Dawn.

Bella avoids answering Edward’s questions for a bit by suddenly realizing how fast Edward is going.

“Holy crow!” I shouted. “Slow down!”

“What’s wrong?” He was startled. But the car didn’t decelerate.

“You’re going a hundred miles an hour!”

Case and point for the “AM frequency theory.” If this is Edward’s best explanation for why he can’t hear Bella, then why hasn’t he taken into account that there may be others with the same frequency? I mean he could turn the corner and smash into someone because he didn’t hear their thoughts. He should be acting with a lot more caution and questioning his own abilities.

Unless he’s joined Tyler in believing that vehicular manslaughter is totes the way to woo a girl?

She tells Edward that she wheedled the story about his family out of Jacob Black by flirting.

“I would liked to have seen that.” He chuckled darkly. “And you accused me of dazzling people—poor Jacob Black.”

Cause Bella is sooo pretty, geddit?

Go on Meyer, beat the poor dead horse some more.

A hard, mocking edge entered his voice. “You don’t care if I’m a monster? If I’m not human?”


Bella, you really should care. I understand the concept of loving a person no matter what, but you really should acknowledge the fact that Edward is dangerous. To you most of all. It really should make more of an impact on you. Bella’s complete willingness to throw her life away for a man she barely knows is a big problem. It’s hard to have life and death stakes in a book where the main character cares nothing about her own life.

They have a back and forth about the whole drinking blood thing which basically goes like;

Edward: I drink blood, doesn’t that gross you out?

Bella: No. It’s animal blood so it doesn’t count. You’re not dangerous.

Edward: I’m dangerous Bella.

Bella: Lalala not listening, you’re not dangerous cause you’ve already eaten. You’re so pretty, lalala.

Edward admits to stalking Bella most of the weekend, and being anxious about her when he can’t stalk her. Bella gets angry. Not reasonable anger, about being stalked, but because he wasn’t in school.

Edward makes a completely logical argument and Bella refuses to take him seriously.

“It’s not safe. I’m dangerous Bella—please grasp that.”

“No.” I tried very hard to not look like a sulky child.

“I’m serious.” He growled.

“So am I. I told you, it doesn’t matter to me what you are. It’s too late.”

His voice whipped out. “Never say that.”

Bella, you don’t just look like a sulky child, you are a sulky child. You are refusing to take him seriously because it’s not what you want to hear. Edward’s response is perfectly valid anger that she’s willing to throw her life away when he’s tried very hard to keep her safe.

Bella cries and Edward apologizes. They agree to meet the next day to talk at lunch.

Edward drops Bella off at her house and she calls Jessica to ask her to return the coat she left in her car. Bella takes a shower and goes to bed and we get the quote that is on the back of the book before she goes to bed.

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him—and I didn’t know how potent that part might be—that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

No Bella, you are not in love with Edward. You have an unhealthy obsession with him. You know absolutely nothing about him besides the fact that he’s saved your life twice and he wants to drink your blood. The most you could have is infatuation or gratitude for what he’s done, but not love. You know ass all about love.

Alright, I’m done. I’m going to go watch YouTube videos about cats until I feel better.


Posted in Nitpicks

The case of the lonely jacket

Alright, so in my read through of Twilight I am beginning to notice small details that I didn’t notice before. With so many other glaring problems, I’ve relegated these things to nitpicks, since they really don’t make any difference to the story as a whole.

In Twilight chapter nine it is mentioned that Bella left her coat in Jessica’s car. She borrows Edward’s until she arrives home. It is brought up again in chapter ten that she’s missing a coat. In chapter nine I understand the need to mention it. It was the only one she had brought to that trip, and the night was cold. It shouldn’t have made any difference in chapter ten.

Only it does. It’s sort of implied that Bella only has one jacket. Why? She mentions early on that she has to supplement her cold weather wardrobe for Forks. There was plenty of time for her to have gotten another jacket in the interim. Has she been so absorbed with Edward that she’s forgotten to get clothes she can wear here?

I’m guessing that Meyer wrote it this way so that Bella has a reason to borrow Edward’s coat. Cause romance tropes damn it.

It doesn’t really matter, it just gives me a hilarious image of Bella sitting in cold classrooms all day, shivering and staring at Edward.

Edit: Okay, she has his jacket from the night before, but still. She lives in the rainiest place on earth, she should have more than one jacket of her own. I don’t live in torrential downpour 24/7 and I own 3-5 jackets. I have an unhealthy love for my jackets. I love my jackets like Bella loves Edward. Against all reason, and sense. I have jackets from middle school that I really ought to throw away or re purpose.