Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Fifteen

Twilight has finally become self aware.

“I was sure it was all a dream.”

            “You’re not that creative.”

            Exactly. Bella is not creative. Bella is dull and boring. Knowing this, you ought to have really rethought your character a bit. I’ll really get into the problems with Bella’s character when I do character breakdowns for Twilight.

There are many, many problems with Bella as a character. Even if you strip away some of them, like her hypocrisy, her attitude towards her parents, her flagrant disregard for her friends, her disregard for her own life, you still have a big problem with Bella.

She has no goals or aspirations within the narrative. We never have any sort of indication that Bella has dreams or aspirations. Her only goal in Twilight is to pursue Edward, and later on, to become a vampire.

Adding goals would at least have done something for Bella’s character. But the author can’t really do that in order to achieve her silly self-insert fic. Having goals and aspirations gives Bella something to care about, even if the motive is self-interest. Having goals and a plan for her life would mean that Bella would have to sacrifice something to be with Edward. Bella never perceives herself losing anything of value. (Sorry Charlie and Renee, you’re not worth Bella’s consideration.)

Bella is truly the personification of Life Begins at Man. Edward is the only thing in her life that she finds interesting or worth working for. How insulting that is for her supposed friends, her parents, and anyone who has ever invested time in her. It’s really sad that Bella never gets to grow and become a good character. There was potential for it. But sadly, all we see in New Moon is that Bella really is incapable of living without someone to be co-dependent with.

Bella runs off to the bathroom again so she doesn’t smell. Whatever. She gets back and Edward eavesdropped on her sleep talking again.

“You said you loved me.”

            “You knew that already. “ I reminded him, ducking my head.

            “It was nice to hear, just the same.”

            I hid my face against his shoulder.

            “I love you.” I whispered.

            “You are my life now.” He answered simply.

            No, no, no, no, NO.

You’re both ridiculous. You’re infatuated with each other. Love isn’t this selfish. Love isn’t automatic. You’ve known each other for all of a month and a half and you’re saying you’re in love. Also, Edward’s above statement speaks to how little you both know about how love works.

Love does not mean that you’re in each other’s business 24/7. In fact it is a really good thing to have time alone to enjoy things for yourself. Love is respecting each other’s differences and limitations. Love is supporting each other and pushing one another to grow. Love is…well here. Take a look.

This one in particular:

Takes off fast and furious like a spark in dry grass burns out quickly and can leave feelings of emptiness.

            Bella’s infatuation with Edward never becomes real love. Their relationship becomes even more controlling and co-dependent, and it’s really sad to think that they’ll remain that way for eternity. The vampire transition freezes the brain at a certain developmental stage. Bella and Edward will never have the chance to grow together as a couple.

Edward asks if Bella would like to meet his family. Instead of reacting with some slight apprehension about meeting a family of vampires, Bella is instead worried that the Cullens are not going to like her.

Edward demands she finally tell Charlie about him, and since it’s Edward ordering her to do something, she finally does it. Then this ridiculous line.

“I was under the impression that you were something more, actually.” I confessed, looking at the table.

            No Bella. At this point, boyfriend is a good word. You’re dating. You have been for a few weeks now. You are not soul mates. You are not star-crossed lovers. You are two people who are creepily infatuated with each other. Boyfriend is as good a word as any.

She goes to get dressed. To put it in perspective she’s wearing something like this.

Nice, respectable outfit to go meet your boyfriend’s family in. Of course Edward thinks its “ZOMG so sexy.” And proceeds to fawn over how irresistible Bella is. He kisses Bella and she faints.

Cause you see, Bella is a moron who forgets to breathe. Apparently Edward is so hawt that it literally ceases an automatic function of her body.

So skip forward several paragraphs later when Edward stops kissing Bella’s ass.

“And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?”

“That’s right.” I answered immediately, hiding my surprise at his casual use of the word.”

He shook his head. “You’re incredible.”

Sorry, no. I think you meant ignoble.

They arrive at the Cullen house and Bella takes a moment to drool over the house and then Edward’s father. Introductions are made all around. Bella ogles the Cullen’s piano, and we get the only semi-decent thought Bella will have about her mother in four books as she reminisces about how Renee used to play.

Bella is unsurprised that Edward can play piano, since he’s an enormous gary stu and can do anything. Esme tells Edward to stop being a show off. Congrats vampire mom, I like you, but I reserve judgment on your character.

Edward says that Esme would have liked Bella no matter what, since he’s no longer alone. I know this is supposed to be “motherly concern” but it has some uncomfortable undertones. It really seems like Esme is thrilled because Edward has found a girl to bring home. What if he’d been asexual? That would have been fine. Better really, since this book wouldn’t have happened. What if Edward had been homosexual? That would have been fine too. Actually, quite a bit more interesting in this. Bring on the EdwardxJacob fanfiction.

It stuns me that Bella can manage to be both a reprehensible human being, and yet so freaking dull. You’d think this level of near-villainy would make a character interesting, but no. Sadly not.

Edward plays piano for a bit, while Bella looks around.

He followed my gaze. “Not what you expected, is it?” He asked, his voice smug.

“No.” I admitted.

“No coffins, no piled skulls in the corners; I don’t even think we have cobwebs…what a disappointment this must be for you.”He continued slyly.

Actually that would have been really hilarious. I wish Meyer could stop taking her story so seriously for one damned second and realize how great a scene that would have been. The Cullens rushing around making their house as creepy as possible. Carlisle as a Lugosi style vampire complete with cape and Esme dressed like Elvira. Oh it would have been glorious.

Sadly, no such thing occurs and I am forever denied one of the best family introductions of all time. Sigh.

Edward gives Bella a tour around the house. Bella is surprised to find that Carlisle still keeps a cross in the hall. Bella asks about it, and we find out it’s a relic of Carlisle’s human life.

Carlisle was born the son of a minister and I have to give Meyer some small credit for remembering this from high school history. This was during a period when England had a strong protestant presence. Though with all the other glaring wrong in the story it would not have surprised me at all if she’d gone ahead and had this set during a staunchly Catholic period in time.

So apparently Carlisle’s dad was an asshole who burned a lot of innocent people alive believing them to be witches, vampires, etc. At first Carlisle is a disappointment to papa asshole, since he doesn’t get his jollies on falsely accusing people and killing them. Apparently Carlisle does discover a troupe of old vampires that lived in the sewers. How? Why?

Alright, vampires are stronger and quicker than humans. Their senses are much more acute. They should have heard a mob coming and gotten the hell out of Dodge. Why didn’t they? It’s implied that they’re hungry and they don’t flee because they want to eat.

Again, why? Why are these vampires staying in the sewers when they are perfectly capable of living a nomadic lifestyle? When they could hang about in houses and be gone before the owner gets back. Or hell, they could eat the owner. This coven also contradicts the fact that Meyer has said that covens like the Cullens are rare. Vampires don’t get along and are usually solitary or travel in pairs. There’s no reason for this coven to exist.

Well, except plot convenience.

Carlisle is bitten by a vampire on the raid. He hid in a cellar and sniffed rotten potatoes for three days since he knew papa asshole would probably burn him alive if he found out.

And that’s pretty much where we leave the chapter. On the only story worth telling in this entire narrative.

Not actually the worst note to part on actually. It’s a first.


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