Posted in Reviews

Twilight: Chapter Twenty-three

Happy Independence Day, for my U.S. readers! Planning to spend the day wrapping this book up, and declaring my independence from the Twilight Series for the next couple of months. I will still be reviewing, but I need a break from Meyer. I’ll be announcing my next book choice soon.

Now back to Twilight.

And then I knew I was dead.

Because, through the heavy water, I heard the sound of an angel calling my name, calling me to the only heaven I wanted.

I find this use of “an angel, the angel,” in this chapter extremely grating. To make it more bearable for myself I’m just going to replace Edward’s name or any mentions of “the angel” with some variation of “the devil.”

Bella’s too out of it to realize that the Cullens are fighting off James. Bella spends an inordinate amount of time being clueless about absolutely everything but Lucifer’s voice.

Lucifer shouldn’t weep, it was wrong. I tried to find him, to tell him everything was fine, but the water was so deep, pressing in on me, and I couldn’t breathe.

By this I think we’re supposed to believe that Bella is dying. If so, why isn’t Carlisle a lot more concerned?

“She’s lost some blood, but the head wound isn’t deep.” A calm voice informed me. “Watch out for her leg, it’s broken.”

On the one hand, yes I appreciate that someone is being rational in this situation, since Edward will do nothing but angst for next couple of chapters. However, shouldn’t there be a little more urgency if she’s losing blood?

Bella begins to notice a burning sensation. (Insert preferred sexual joke here.)

“My hand is burning!” I screamed, finally breaking through the last of the darkness, my eyes fluttering open. I couldn’t see his face, something dark and warm was clouding my eyes. Why couldn’t they see the fire and put it out?

His voice was frightened. “Bella?”

“The fire! Someone stop the fire!” I screamed as it burned me.

“Carlisle! Her hand!”

“He bit her.” Carlisle’s voice was no longer calm, it was appalled.

Okay. Time out. Why the hell is Carlisle so “appalled?” You all raced here hoping to stop Bella from being killed. They really should have been braced for this outcome. What would they have done if they’d arrived and found James latched onto Bella’s neck? Considering what they were racing to stop, vampirism is one of the better scenarios.

Or are you offended because he got his icky evil vampire cooties all over Bella?

Carlisle tells our dark lord Satan to suck the venom out of Bella’s hand.

This shouldn’t work at all. As we’ve been informed, all a vampire’s bodily fluids are made of venom. Therefore it follows that the devil’s saliva should be chock full of more venom that will also enter Bella’s system when it makes contact with her wound.

Of course, this is overlooked so we can have Lucifer make his noble sacrifice.

I felt his cool, strong fingers on my burning hand, locking it in place. Then his head bent over it, and his cold lips pressed against my skin.

The pain gets worse at first, as it should. Because more vampire venom is introduced into the wound. Realistically, if we go by Breaking Dawn, it should have done nothing but seal the wound, trapping the venom inside. But of course, Bella hasn’t suffered enough for the luvs yet. She hasn’t “earned” vampiredom.

Bella is close to blacking out by the time this whole thing is done. But after this ordeal, she’s not thinking about herself of course. There’s only one thing that matters. She tells the Prince of Lies to stay with her. Cause you know, that’s a great idea when you’re bleeding.

“Where’s your mother?”

            “In Florida.” I sighed. “He tricked me, Belial. He watched our videos.” The outrage in my voice was pitifully frail.

Number one, you weren’t outraged last chapter. You were relieved that your mother wasn’t there. And number two, you wouldn’t have been in this mess if you’d stopped to think things through. The only reason you are where you are at the moment is because you are gullible and spineless.

Bella tries to tell Alice to look at the exposition tape from last chapter, and then comments that she smells gasoline.

Wait, what? Why? It’s stated in the very next book that vampire venom is really, really flammable, which means if you’re strong enough to tear a vampire up you can burn it without any other fuel. Unless you’re trying to tell me that the Cullens wasted valuable time stealing gasoline for the express purpose of burning down the ballet studio? Cause that makes no sense either. If you somehow managed to get here, without being all glittery (lousy pacing is lousy) and we assume this is taking place at night, and they weren’t seen by anyone, just drag James behind the place, and rip him apart. Then torch his ass. It’s simple. No gasoline needed.

I guess the Cullens just like arson.

So our chapter ends. It was short, it was stupid, burn it with gasoline I say.

 

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